My Mum
Unfortunately my Mums cancer seems to have spread to various parts of her body now including her liver, kidney, left lung and brain.
They doctors been treating it with chemo and radiation, which seems to have halted the spread at least. Next they want to start her on chemo pills.
Just before they started her on the pills they decided to give her 3 weeks to rest and recuperate.
Last Friday while she was resting she collapsed at home and my Dad had to get the neighbours to help him pick her up and get her downstairs. Luckily they are paramedics so they checked her over and rang the doctor who suggested that she go into hospital. She's still there after being checked over and sorted out.
Her speech is now a little slurred but I'm not sure whether that's down to the medication they put her on or the cancer in her brain or even her laboured breathing?
I have a lot of friends saying that they want to be there for me but I simply can't allow myself that luxury yet. I have to be the rock of the family as I have been in the past. My Dad is leaning on me more and I am acting as an information buffer for the family as much as I can.
Well it's been some time since I last wrote on this blog.
A lot has happened over the past few months. My Gran has been having a few more mini strokes and came close to death several times.
So, for quite a few weeks we all spent our time rushing over to see her just in case it would be the last time. Everyone has been so stressed out by it all.
Then with a combination of stress from that and hormone treatment my mother had a suspected stroke.
She's since had all sorts of tests and the doctors are looking over their findings as we speak.
On the upside though my business is doing well still.
Mediums Fortune
More and more of what the medium said has come true, which is making me wonder again if she was right about everything.
Too weird!
Maybe I should say what I know now about our futures, because every time Brittany changes her mind over me something bad happens or a situation in her life becomes more difficult.
It's freaky and fascinating at the same time.
It seems that everytime she makes a step in the right direction she then changes her mind and goes back on what she said. Then fate steps in and does something.
If I'm to believe what the medium said Brittany lost her kids when she made the wrong decision and split form me, because she let the negative energy into her life while pushing the positive away.
She made a few steps back to me a couple of weeks ago and then away again a few days ago.
I don't know what the effect would be this time, but the medium said it would be subtle sometimes.
If this is happening to us then it must happen to everyone to some degree?
I was told we're special, because we've supposed to have been through thousands of lifetimes together, but I just don't know what to think of it all to be honest!
The last thing Brittany said to me, before she changed her mind again, was that she'd had a dream that I didn't trust her. I think that's got more to do with it than anything else. She used some lame excuse about how she always chases what appears to be greener on the other side of the fence.
LOL...nope! She 'had' what would was the greenest in her life but instead went over to the dry, brown stuff on the other side.
That path is totally unrandom and fixed from what I was told.
I think it's just a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face.
My Mum.
My mum seems in good spirits atm. My brother said he will go with her when she goes to see the specialist this month. My brother is a Dr too, (or almost a Dr), so he will have a pretty good idea about what all of the jargon means.
She told me some more about the tests they performed on her and how they saw the growth. The whole thing was done over 5 hours and they manipulated her breast into a whole lot of positions while doing the mammogram.
I am worried about her because she has had enough hurdles to get over with her health.
My dad hasn't said much about it to me yet. He just told me that he was in the room with her when they were doing the tests and he saw the growth on the screen.
When my mum had her first battle with cancer I more or less quit my job so that I could look after her and enrolled at college part time. The company that I was working it was going bust anyway and rather than stay on when they cut the staff numbers down I told them to add me to the list of people leaving and they paid me a small amount of money. 'Very small' amount of money. lol
There wasn't anyone else around that could help her so I stepped upto the plate.
This time my dad is around more to help her and thankfully my brother is getting involved this time around.
edit 19/5/10 - I rang her today because her Dr had brought her appointment forward to today. This is definitely cancer but is 'completely' seperate to her ovarian!!! They checked it's genome and it is a different one totally.
So it means an operation to remove her breast, more chemo more stress all around! FFS ty so much fate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
edit 28/5/10 - We had some major bad news about my mothers cancer. It has spread from her breast to her lungs and the dr's won't operate. They are going to give her several different drug treatments instead. She doesn't need this crap!
edit 10/06/10 - My Mum had her first chemo yesterday.
Fate fate go away!
So, I just heard from my mother today that she has breast cancer!
WTF?
In the UK we don't believe in hiding things from people. We get told the truth 100% of the time so that people can get through all of the emotional stuff before treatment starts, so the surgeon just told her straight out.He said the he will scoop out her breast tissue and fill it with either fat or an implant. My mother decided to get both of them done because she doesn't want to take any chances.
She is such a tough cookie!!!
Lack of sleep linked to early death
I read this today about sleep...Linky
That's me done for then LOL
I think I get around 4/5 if I am lucky!
My business
Had an interesting few days with my business.
I am re-investing some of the money that I had saved for when I moved to the states, in new stock and a couple of new partnerships.
The rest I am putting into finishing the house. Then the house will have a new bathroom, plastering work done, water proofing finished, floors repaired/replaced, curtains hung, flooring covers ie carpets, tiles etc etc etc LOL...
I will be project supervising again as usual. I guess that's what I do hehehe I can't help being who I am and leading :P Goes with the contract...in the small print hehehehehe
At least the money has gone to good use!
I had a crappy surprise at the weekend too. My Mum found a lump on her breast and has to goto see a sugeon in 10 days. She has already had 3 bouts of cancer since the 1980's.
As if she needs this latest scare! :0(
When she told me about it I got my Dad to drop her over at mine so I could sit with her for the day and I could tell she was terrified.
Life sucks at times!!! :0(
Fantasy and reality.
I was reading a very interesting CNN article about people finding love online and later I was having a long talk with several friends about online relationships and how they develop into something more.
We meet someone. We see their real life picture and we like what we see. We talk with them and over time we fall in love with their personality. We see their inner beauty and like what we see. We may even go as far as to say they are our perfect mate. Our ideal.
What then would drive us to start seeing them as a fantasy and not something real?
Well here there are obvious reasons why. Take for example meeting someone else, and deciding that because they are there that it somehow makes them seem more real so you choose them This is where a person tries to convince themselves that the online person is just a fantasy.
This is actually based on fear and self doubt rather than anything else. Excuses are found, and used to break up with their online love. Just for convenience and because of self doubt.
I found this entire article fascinating, because it mirrors exactly what I have been through.
Several of my friends have had things go to real life also with much less of an 'interaction' than what I had with Brittany, and theirs are still working to this day.
I don't really want to talk much about what I went through so I will just touch on that a little bit. We met on SL back in October 2008, and after just a few weeks we both knew that we had met someone special. I helped her through quite a lot of emotional issues that she was going through and I became her rock.
We have similar minds, hopes, dreams aspirations and outlook on life, but it was so much more than that. We both sensed that there was something else there. Something special that we hadn't yet begun to understand.
So the relationship developed over the following months until we reached a point where we wanted to meet. The only draw back with that was she was engaged and living with someone else who she didn't want to be with.
I have far too many principles to cheat on someone so I told her that I simply wouldn't do that to anyone. Brittany understood that, and after some deep thinking she left him for me. This was now beyond a virtual relationship, and we both knew where it was heading. It was now 100% real life, and the next logical step was meeting up.
So, we worked towards that end. I had never loved someone as much as I had Brittany, and I was so happy to have someone like her in my life that every day made sense to me.
After just a few weeks of being back home at her mums she dropped a bombshell. She had been seeing someone else! I had sensed what she was doing and I had asked her if she had anything to tell me several times but each time she denied that anything was going on.
It was only my love for her that kept me hanging in there. So we split up for over a week, but during that whole time she missed me and later on when we had got back together told me that she knew she'd made a huge mistake the whole time she was 'with' him. What finally put an end to that relationship though was when the man she was cheating on me with slapped one of her kids for no real reason what so ever. Something I would never have done, because I don't believe in hitting kids!
So, I forgave her and took her back. That was a huge thing for me to do, because I had never taken anyone back before but I loved her so it felt like the right thing to do. Slowly we worked through what she'd done and I helped Brittany find work by suggesting places to check for jobs and things to do like using job agencies. Finally she found work, and we knew that we were now one step closer to the day when we would be together.
Her cheating was holding me back from going to see her, but I always had it in my mind that we would one day be together regardless. At the time that she was cheating on me she told me that her reason was he was there and I wasn't. As simple as that. I asked her if she had feelings for him to which she instantly replied 'NO'. No hesitation at all! She later told me that she just cared for him but had become confused. She then went on to call him a substitute for me.
I began to sense that maybe someone was possibly trying to split us up also. Every now and again she would say that someone had said something to her e.g. how it might not be possible for me to move my business to the states because someone on the radio had said that small businesses were going to suffer under Obama. I did a quick check on the net and showed her that what she'd been told was completely wrong. He was actually injecting billions into helping small businesses ride the economic drop.
Then there was the time someone told her that I might disappear after one year. Like hell I would. I was going there to be with her. Why would I leave?What would my family say if I did that? I am simply not that sort of person!!!
It's as though they didn't realise I loved her more than anyone or anything.
There were a lot more things she told me that they said but I don't need to type them out because they were just aimed at adding doubts to her mind. Whatever though, they don't know me at all but obviously they knew how to manipulate Brittany.
Or maybe I was completely wrong about that? Only Brittany could answer that and I don't talk with her anymore so...
The funny thing is that I had intended on getting a job asap so that I would not be a financial drain on Brittany until I was able to start working for myself. None of that should have mattered though if she had loved me as much as she had said. Not time or distance or money. I was taking money with me too but that doesn't matter now.
It was several weeks later that I began to sense a change in her again. Just like the last time I knew something was going on so I decided to do some checking for myself. I did things that I am still not proud of, but how else was I to find the truth out? What I found out was that she was again seeing someone else.
I decided that this time I would confront this man and after some searching on the net I found his number and rang it. Instantly I knew he was a coward when he almost started crying on the phone. When I properly confronted Brittany about it I immediately asked if he was worth it to which she snapped back without hesitation 'NO'...then I asked if she loved him or had feelings for him to which she instantly replied 'NO'...zero hesitation, and when someone doesn't hesitate in a confrontational situation like that it is the truth. When someone in that situation takes time to think then usually they are confused or do indeed have feelings, but not in this situation.
I asked her why she had done it and again like before she said he was there and I wasn't and she then went on to call him a substitute for me while I wasn't there, because he fitted her requirements. A few weeks later though things took a different turn and she dumped me for him. It was a weird day though...she was on yahoo and told me that I was the love of her life, her bester friend, her soul, her everything and that she was madly in love with me. Then she said how I would have her heart forever. Later on though as I was looking forward to talking with her she started deleting me off everything, and that was that.
The weird thing is that who she cheated on me with could have literally been anybody if they'd been there at the right moment, because she needed someone that simply fitted the bill.
Since then I have re-read a lot of what Brittany wrote and I think that somewhere along the way she tried to put me into just being a virtual relationship. I don't know who she was trying to fool though. We had gone way past that point months before...well over a year before. She left her fiancee for me, we were planning on living together, she had her kids calling me Daddy David, she had a tattoo done for me, she had told me that she loved me more than she ever had anyone before either on the net or in her real life. We had gone beyond dating on SL and we'd moved onto msn, yahoo, web cams, letters, texting, phone calls etc
We both know that when someone calls you there soul-mate that it is way past something trivial!
In her heart of hearts I am sure that Brittany know what we had was real and would have worked out. After all that time talking and loving we knew it. We had both been true and honest with our feelings, emotions and personalities so it 'would' have worked! I guess it was just easier to think otherwise!
When I found out about Brittany cheating for the second time I decided that I should seek out a medium. The reading was amazing. I didn't tell her anything at all. No names or places or what I was there for. I sat there shocked as she started to tell me what had been happening over the last few months of my life. Everything came out...her cheating, her kids, her life before moving home...all of it. She also told me that 'this man' as she called him was still very much in the background and that he would still be an issue for a while.
Then she asked me if I knew about some dream that Brittany had about me, ( well actually she said there had been a few but one particularly stuck out). I didn't at that point so I was puzzled when she told me something which disgusted me. Brittany never told me what her dream was even to this day. If I was to talk to her about it today I would simply say 'You know me better that that, Brittany. I only like 'legal females' and definitely NOT that" I mean wtf!? Disgusting!!! Just what sort of person does she think I am?
The medium told me about the other dreams too, but wasn't sure which Brittany remembered. One interesting thing was that she said 80-90% of dreams were simply our own daily stresses coming out in that way. Later on I searched the net and according to some dream experts that is spot on. I mentioned that to Brittany but in the end decided to let it go because I shouldn't have to explain myself.
The medium told me so much about if I decided to follow one path that one day we would be married, and live happily together for the rest of our lives, but I guess she was wrong. If she was wrong about the dream then I guess she was wrong about the rest too!
She also told me how we were soul mates and had been living lives together since we were born into the universe. Do I hear the theme from the twilight zone playing? lol Yeah freaky stuff eh?
Basically the path Brittany has started down now is going to be a tough one according to the medium, but as I said I don't know if she was right in what she said?
She mentioned several names that could influence Brittany's life negatively, and one of them made us laugh because it was 'Betty Boop'. After we stopped laughing at the name she said it was something similar to that, but she couldn't quite see what because by laughing she had upset her spirit guide. LOL...I have no idea what she was on about tbh. It does seem that 'Betty Boop' is a major danger to Brittany's kids though. Sounds odd lol
There were another couple of females in the background too that also posed some danger of some sort but she didn't get any more names but there were some details about them. I wonder if it would have been Olive Oil or something LMAO...
It's all academic now though since I dropped Brittany from my life and cut her off entirely. My choice, my decision! The last time we spoke she had asked me to be her RL and SL master still in an IM on SL. It wasn't a direct request. More 'well if you aren't going to be my master irl or SL then well yeah'. Her usual indirect way of doing things. It tells me everything that I need to know though.
Who ever she ends up with one thing is for sure. They won't be me...never mind how much she looks for my traits and qualities in them! There is only one of me! I am unique!
Well after saying that though...never say never. If it's meant to be be between us then it's meant to be!
Maybe one day she will read this blog. If she somehow ever stumbles on it lol...I know I gave her the address back in 09 but she never could remember it. lol
As for why I didn't chase her more that I did at the end, well that was part of my choice. I don't beg or any of that crap. I am a man not a needy sub male. I choose to be with that person or I choose not to which is sometimes taken as arrogance, but it isn't.
I know what Brittany will be doing. She will be driving her feelings for me out or deep inside herself until I am nothing, but an erased memory of another life. That's the thing though. We can't erase things like that in reality, and they always come back to the surface. I've tried doing it myself with other things in my life.
ack I have written more than I intended. This blog is supposed to be about the CNN article. I will re-write the whole thing when I get a chance!
The CNN link isn't working anymore so I can't list it here, (They probably moved it grrr) but their data was based on several studies.
One of these was -Suler, J.R. (2004). The psychology of text relationships. In Online Counseling: a manual for mental health professionals (R. Kraus, J. Zack & G. Striker, Eds). London: Elsevier Academic Press.
From that they drew a long list of points and conclusions.
Fascinating!
edit - I found where CNN got some of their data from Linky
re-edit I need to work on this blog..reads badly!
A trip to the US.
I know I wasn't going to blog for a while but I wanted to get some thoughts down before I stop blogging properly.
Over the last week or so I have been looking at taking a trip to the US with a couple of friends. A few friends in the US have been asking me to decide on a date and destination asap. My friends and I still haven't decided on a destination yet though, but it has made me think a lot about Brittany, the kids and Wisconsin.
I have been remembering how we spoke about going on trips around Wisconsin and we'd planned on going to a place where Brittany had been happiest as a child. Away from all of the worries of life.
I can't remember the name of the place, but it was somewhere in or around Wisconsin. We had planned on taking the kids hiking and cliff diving. All fun things I would have loved to do with my new family. She used to show me a picture of her standing on a rock when she was a young girl, and said she wanted to feel like that again.
Now though it won't happen, but I guess she could take one of my substitutes instead. It's a shame I will never get to go though. I wonder if she ever does go back there will she remember that we'd spoken of going together?
As for my trip to the states. I'm sort of losing interest now, because I was only going to go for one reason and that isn't happening now. Somehow my hearts not in it anymore!
I have given my word to my friends though so I will endeaver to get us all there, because I am a man of my word!!! Maybe we will go to Chicago or New York. I'm just not sure where yet.
It should prove interesting though. Pizza in Chicago or check out the sights of New York. If we could do a couple of days in each city that might prove to be the best course of action.
I just need to get Trakin and Spongey to settle on a time of year now lol
Clear mind
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks.
During the whole time I was dating Brittany we were working towards the day that we would be together. I know that there were doubts about everything, but in the end we knew it would work out because what we felt was real.
One of the fears Brittany had was that her head was in the clouds and that somehow what we had was a dream. After a lot of thinking and soul searching though she told me that she knew that it wasn't like that, and thinking that way just her way of convincing herself that we would never work out. She said that quite often she had made the wrong choice because it was the easiet at that moment.
I guess that she went back to convincing herself otherwise though. First with one and then another substitute simply because they were 'there' and I wasn't. I would have been soon enough if she'd just waited another couple of weeks. Damn her impatience!
The day that I arrived in the US would have been such an amazing day and the beginning of a time where we would have never looked back.
We had spoken of our life together and what we would have. I was going to take care of Brittany and the kids. Making sure that they were all safe and loved!
Our lovelife was already proving to be an amazing experience so I can only imagine what it would have been like in reality. We were connected on so many levels and to such depths that I can only imagine how things would have developed between us. Wow! All I had to do was describe what I would do to her and wham she'd get wet. Also when I would simply talk to her or go on webcam I had the same effect. Imagine the possibilities when I had actually touched her!
It would have been a leap of faith for me, but one I was going to gladly take to be with the woman I loved! To have been the family that we wanted would have been amazing!
Hot chocolate by the fire, snuggling under a blanket, long walks, playing with the kids, facing each day together as it unfolded, holidays in europe, meeting each others families, an amazing sex life and all the rest we would have had. Damn it would have been so good!
I had grown to love her children as my own and I was looking forward to the day when I would hear the name 'Daddy David' out of their lips. I would have been so proud and happy to have been their Father. I know they had begun to love me to. Even little Gav would see my picture and shout 'Daddy'. I remember being there for her during her pregnancy with Gavin and how I felt like an expectant father when she went into labour. I was watiing for word for hours until finally her sister messaged me.
We were getting tattoos done for each other too. Well Brittany had one done already for me and it meant so much to me that I felt honoured.
All that was needed was a little faith after all that patience.
Even Brittany was saying things like how she had the feeling that letting me go was letting the best thing in her life go, and that she knew deep down that she still loved me, but damn it...here we are today!
The last month I spent on those business courses was wasted too. They were helping me to get ready to set up my business after the move to the US. The business managers forcasted that depending on my efforts I could be making a lot of money something like 200k to 400k per year after a couple or few years. Given time I would be making even more than that. If I put the effort in. I will be making that a reality in the Uk instead I guess.
Now though it's all over! Time for me to move forward with my life and forget what could have been!
Today is Wednesday April the 7th 2010 3:30pm and this will be my last entry on this blog for a long time.
Teaching differences.
For a long time now teachers have said that each sex responds to a different style of teaching, and that dividing the sexes for some subjects is a good idea.
After working in schools on and off for a few years I have seen the differences for myself, and I agree totally. So, if 'I' spotted it, someone who after all isn't an education expert, why can't the so called experts?
I read this today Link
One thing I saw was how girls worked together and helped each other. While the teacher allowed this to happen with the girls, when it came to the boys they were told to shut up, get on with their 'own' work and to stop cheating. erm...ok then
Girls seem to be more obedient than boys, which helps them focus on a task, but the boys got bored quickly. That's the real main difference. Boys need constant correction in their behaviour and guided back onto the work.
The male mind needs constant tweaking or we get bored quickly LOL
I guess that has something to do with the differences in our brain and maybe even down to our hormones.
As for who has the greater intelligence, well if you have a system aimed at bringing out the best in females then of course females will strive forward more quickly, but in maths I have to say boys seemed to understand better and much more quickly. When they actually did any work that is! hehe
Anita and I.
It's now officially over between Anita and I now...finally! After 18months of hell!
My exercise
I've had to put my exercise on hold for the last few weeks because I've been getting really bad stomach ache.
It'll be fun starting up again - not! lol